If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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