you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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