happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
