I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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