I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
