I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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