She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
