My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
