it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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