I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
