Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
