I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize