He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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