Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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