okay pat passed out under dana's car
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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