Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize