Apparently you make a good broom.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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