i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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