We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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