We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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