census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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