I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
