Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize