between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The power of my boobs compel you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
