tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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