She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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