Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
