Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
50% drunk capacity currently
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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