As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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