I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
