from now on my penis is your penis
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize