Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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