I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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