But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
