i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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