my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
