Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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