When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
