remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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