This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
