i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
