In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
