tell your sister to shave her snatch
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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