Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize