would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The adults are the big ones right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
