New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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