She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
