yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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