Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
