my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize