Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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