it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize