mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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