beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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