"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
