Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
