she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
