peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
