I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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