Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
