Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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